Floops Big House Adventure is a disgusting shooter that aired on Saturday mornings on Nickelodeon

I once won a terrible board game from Nickelodeon. I say “won.” Actually, after I connected to the contest line, I got disconnected on the phone, got really angry, my mom called them to complain, they moved me to the next contest, I got the quiz answer wrong and the host pretended to hear the correct answer and drew a prize from the big prize bucket. It was a rip-off of The Game of Life, probably the least exciting board game a kid could win.

The game was dog water, and there's probably a lesson somewhere about how cool and okay it is to whine until you get free stuff, but we don't have time for that. Instead, I'd like to direct your attention to Floops Big House Adventure. A dirty, slimy, Aaahh!!! Saturday morning shooter where Real Monsters meets Ren and Stimpy. Some of you will even hate the title screenshot, I imagine. Personally, the artwork drew me in immediately.

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Everything is pretty simple to shoot. Creepy little bastards come from all angles and you use a selection of collectible weapons to gun them down. Floop farts when shot and, to paraphrase TS Eliot, his life is measured in tacos. Shoot enough creepy little bastards and a creepy big bastard appears.

There are bouncing furball freaks who appear to be in constant pain until they jump, at which point their pained stare turns into a faint gas smile, as if temporarily relieved from crippling joint pain. There are Bart Vs The Space Mutants-like masses of ass tentacles. There is an upgrade shop run by a chain-smoking, anal-headed gentleman named Bob.

I played with mouse and keyboard, but it's a bit stiff that way, so a controller is the way to go here – it gets more and more bullet hell as you progress. The Steam page says:

FEATURES

  • Speedruns – You can beat Floops in less than 20 minutes!
  • Retro Saturday morning cartoon action!
  • Nostalgic Nickelodeon art style!
  • There are plenty of 90s references! You can find them all over Floops House.
  • Random waves will keep you on your toes as cartoon mayhem breaks out. Learn various enemy attacks and patterns to rack up the highest score!
  • Item synergies and buffs await! Try them all to see what unique combos you can unleash.
  • Challenge Mode! Test your strength by beating the game with healing restrictions.
  • Fun costumes to wear!

20 minutes, you say? That's enough time to eat a couple of big bowls of cereal and a couple of lollipops marketed as Too Sour To Handle, unless you're a real man. I don't really miss the '90s at all, now that I think about it.

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