If someone grabs you from behind and turns you into a human shield in Call of Duty: Black Ops 6, they can drag you around for about five seconds before you die, unless they execute you early. Here are 12 things you can do in those five seconds:
1) Sit back in your chair, raise your arms up and stretch your shoulder muscles luxuriously, look out the window at the sun and clouds across from you, and relish the wonder and strangeness of being alive on this special day, in this special place, on this special ball of rock, in a vast and empty cosmos.
2) Switch windows and complete a movement order in Arco, a brilliant tactical RPG with freeze-time combat set in a fantasy version of South America
3) Be the bigger person and congratulate your captor over the game's proximity chat. Say something like: “Oh my gosh, what a great sidestep! Absolutely Mine duty.”
4) Explain to your kidnapper that he fell into your trap. How could they have fallen for such an obvious trick? Really, it would be ridiculous if it weren't so. pitiful.
5) Take advantage of the opportunity to assess the battle in a pop-out third-person view. This is your chance to take note of future cover positions and check out how everyone is using the new omnimovement system without having to worry about hitting them. Often, when I fight someone who knows how to omnimove in Blops 6, I feel like I'm shooting spiders. Very large spiders with assault rifles.
6) Take a full bite of regular flavored Pot Noodle and chew it
7) Spit out a whole mouthful of your regular flavored Pot Noodle, because that shit has been on your table since Friday, you need to take a look around the room before your parents get home – oh my god, what time is it, how did it get to be 4 o'clock
8) Unleash your patented nonsensical catchphrase. “There goes the barn and you can tell them I told you so!” “Snoot on Wednesday is as good as blowing the whistle, Reverend!”
9) Don’t just monologue over intimacy conversation – rediscover the lost art of conversation. Perhaps your captor is going through a tough time and could benefit from a kind word from a passing stranger. Be sure to prepare some short, supportive quotes ahead of time. For example: “The heart is the hardest part of the body – compassion is in the hands” (Carolyn Forché).
10) Compare the meat shield mechanic in Blops 6 loudly and sarcastically to the meat shielding in the Gears Of War series, and especially Gears Of War 3, which is superior in both visual flair and implementation complexity. Kids today can't tell a meat shield from a mantle. You can't even turn me into a human bomb, poser.
11) Try introducing yourself as an in-game match commentator. We're losing A!
12) Take a few seconds to soak in the spectacle of your character being kidnapped. Nod in approval at your cosmetic choices, the perfection of your skin and camouflage accessories. Not many people can look amazing while being dragged around like a mattress, but once again, you’ve done it.
Black Ops 6's multiplayer beta is currently underway. Here's how to get access.